What Does It Mean To Have Anxious Attachment?

According to attachment theory, you develop an attachment style in childhood that is influenced by both genetic factors and the relationships you have with your caregivers. As you get older, your attachment style shapes how you navigate close relationships.

There are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Specifically, people with anxious attachment styles long to feel close to others but struggle to feel secure in their relationships and fear being abandoned by the people they love. 

While people who develop secure attachment styles generally feel more stable and safe in relationships, people with anxious attachment have trouble feeling this sense of security. As a result, those with anxious attachment will attempt to pull their partner closer and become preoccupied about the possibility of their relationship ending.

Research suggests about 20% of the population has anxious attachment. Knowing the signs of this type of attachment and what can trigger these feelings can help you better navigate your close relationships.

Signs of an Anxious Attachment Style

Having an anxious attachment style can affect how you behave in a relationship, how you respond to conflict, and how you feel about yourself. A hallmark sign of an anxious attachment style is called hyperactivation, or constantly looking for signs that your partner is going to leave you. This can look like:

• Needing frequent reassurance (e.g., asking, “Do you still love me?”)
• Obsessively looking for signs your partner is pulling away 
• Viewing small problems as threats to the entire relationship 
• Assuming the worst about your partner’s behaviors (e.g., assuming they haven’t texted you back because they don’t care about you instead of considering other explanations)
  

Other signs you might have an anxious attachment style include: 

• Having a negative view of yourself 
• Ruminating over worst-case scenarios
• Constantly worrying about your relationship
• Not being able to solve problems without your partner
• Wanting to know what your partner is thinking or feeling at all times 
• Feeling a sense of urgency about spending time with your partner
  

While receiving reassurance or having a positive moment with a partner can offer temporary relief, these gestures are often not enough to make people with anxious attachment styles feel secure long-term. Ultimately, someone with an anxious attachment style has a hard time trusting their needs will be met and this anxiety can cause them to behave in ways that seem mistrustful or “clingy.”

Causes

When you're a child, you rely on your caregivers for survival. This includes your biological needs (food, shelter, warmth) and emotional needs.

Infants, for example, will turn to their primary caregivers when they are in distress, such as by crying when they’re hungry or seeking comfort when they're afraid. How reliably their needs are met in these moments shapes how they come to view themselves and others. According to attachment theory, this is how people develop a “working model” of attachment, which influences how they view relationships as adults.

When caregivers consistently meet both the physical and emotional needs of a child and give their child a sense of security as they start to explore their surroundings, that child is more likely to develop a secure attachment style. When a child’s needs are met inconsistently or not at all, that child is more likely to develop an insecure attachment style, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment.

Children with anxious attachment styles may have learned they need to perform perfection, act out, or fight to keep their caregivers close in order to get their needs met. While these behaviors might have helped them as children, they become unhelpful in adult relationships. Additional factors that can lead to the development of an anxious attachment style include:

• Your caregiver's attachment style
• Genetic factors, such as having a family history of anxiety
• Childhood abuse (especially from a caretaker)
• Losing a parent or another caretaker as a child 
• Life stressors that made your caregiver less available to you when you were young
• Lack of support from adults as a child

What Can Trigger Anxious Attachment

For someone with an anxious attachment style, their anxiety may become heightened in intimate relationships. Events that can trigger someone with an anxious attachment style include:

• Entering a new romantic relationship 
• Stressful life events 
• Big relationship milestones (e.g., moving in together or getting married) 
• Conflict in the relationship 
  

While every relationship has some level of conflict, the stakes of these arguments might seem higher for someone with an anxious attachment style. Conflicts, arguments, or inconsistencies with your partner might trigger a fear of abandonment, making the person with an anxious attachment style ask for reassurance, worry about their partner leaving them, or urgently need both physical or emotional closeness to their loved one.

Effects of a Having an Anxious Attachment Style

Studies have shown that people with anxious attachment styles tend to report the following:

• More conflict with their partner
• Less trust in their relationships
• A lower relationship satisfaction
  

These effects could be a result of an anxiously attached person's tendency to focus on negative events and assume the worst about their partner’s intentions. Hyperactivation behaviors, such as having a strong reaction to a minor conflict, can cause additional stress in the relationship. 

Outside of relationships, there are also individual mental health effects that you might experience if you have an anxious attachment. This includes being at a higher risk of developing some anxiety disorders, depression, and low self-esteem.

How To Cope

It's important to note that while having anxious attachment can sometimes make relationships difficult, you aren't doomed to be unhappy in relationships. In fact, studies show that people with anxious attachment tend to show more appreciation in their relationships and are often highly empathetic and in tune with their partner’s emotions.

If you think your anxious attachment style is affecting your relationships, there are several things you can try to help relieve your worries and feel safer with your partner:

• Understand your anxiety: Acknowledging your attachment style and how it’s related to your childhood experiences can help reduce self-blame in relationships. When anxiety about your relationship creeps in, remind yourself this may be an old wound resurfacing. Try to stay mindful of your triggers and practice checking the facts before you have a reaction.
• Communicate with your partner: Let your partner know what triggers your anxiety. Come up with a game plan for navigating conflict and discuss what you both need to create more security in your relationship.
• Find ways to self-regulate your emotions: Processing and regulating your emotions with a partner can be an essential element of relationships. But for people with anxious attachment styles, it’s also important to find ways to regulate emotions on your own. This could look like giving yourself some space, listening to music, splashing cold water on your face, practicing deep breathing techniques, or going on a walk.
• Nourish your life outside of your relationship: It can be easy to fixate on your intimate relationships when you have an anxious attachment style. But, don’t forget to maintain your non-romantic relationships, too. This could look like engaging in activities you enjoy without your partner, seeking support from friends, and spending time with your family.
  

Fixing an Anxious Attachment Style

Your attachment style can change over time. People with anxious attachment may begin to feel safer with a committed and secure partner who they've been with for several years. This means that it’s possible the effects of anxious attachment can become less invasive in long-term relationships. Healthy relationships that include clear communication and mutual respect can shift your working model of attachment, giving you new experiences that contradict what you learned as a child. 

Additionally, mental health treatment can help support recovery from an anxious attachment style—whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. The following mental health therapies have shown evidence of helping people develop more secure attachment styles:

• Interpersonal psychotherapy: A type of talk therapy that focuses on improving relationships by working on difficult reactions, thought patterns, and behaviors that occurred in current or past relationships
• Cognitive behavioral therapy: A behavioral therapy that focuses on the relationship between your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and challenges negative thought patterns and feelings to help improve overall well-being
• Psychodynamic therapy: A talk-based therapy that explores the unconscious forces and childhood experiences that affect your emotions and behaviors
• Couples therapy: Offers support for couples in committed relationships to help understand specific triggers, work through interpersonal conflicts, and develop coping strategies

How to Help Your Anxiously Attached Partner

If you have a partner that has anxious attachment, it might be difficult to know how to best support them while also maintaining your autonomy in the relationship. In addition to seeking your own support, here are some ways to support a partner with anxious attachment:

• Identify your own attachment style: It can be helpful to understand how your own attachment style is showing up in the relationship. For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be extra sensitive to your partner's need for closeness and have a harder time meeting them halfway.
• Practice clear and effective communication: Communicate with your partner in a direct and empathetic manner. For instance, if you can't text your partner during the work day, communicate that with them clearly. Avoid being vague about your own boundaries to prevent the possibility of miscommunication and opportunities for your partner to assume the worst about the relationship.
• Offer consistency and connection: Establish routines to help you and your partner connect in ways that feel meaningful to both of you. This could look like having a designated date night, sharing a cup of coffee before work, or texting each other before bed. While connecting consistently won't necessarily change your partner's attachment style, it can create a stable foundation where healing can happen for them.
  

A Quick Review

People with anxious attachment styles struggle to feel secure in their relationships. While they long to feel close to their partners, this need is often driven by fears of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem.

Your attachment style develops in childhood but can affect intimate relationships as you get older. If you're anxiously attached, you may feel the need to ask for constant reassurance, overanalyze your partner's behaviors, or have big reactions to small conflicts.

While anxious attachment can sometimes negatively affect your relationships, the good news is that more secure attachment can develop over time. Finding a committed partner, learning how to communicate your triggers, and seeking mental health therapy are all ways to increase safety in your relationships, develop a more secure attachment style, and boost your own self-esteem.